Day 39 of quarantine.

In all honesty, I'm having a difficult time now keeping up with my anxiety. The first weeks were fine, especially bec I already work from home. But as the 4th and 5th weeks progresses, it was just so difficult to be [ normal ]. I try to take care of my mental health by not watching news and staying away from facebook and twitter. Socializing online became a burden at some point as well. I needed to do video calls and meetings even though I didn't want to. Right now, I still take time replying to messages and chats but I'm doing better. I still can't create for my own sake but I sketchup and get work done. So much for a functioning anxious ambivert. Tuffy, Netflix, and The Holy Spirit keep me sane.

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What a way to set the title of this post right? How I wish this isn't true but it is.

This is my story. Let's go deep and talk about my body.

The Internet has given a voice to many, and, as a result, the online world is a fair portrayal of how we feel.

You Left Me Hanging

9" x 12" each // 27" x 12" Watercolor & Marker on Watercolor Paper

by Rae Abigael J. Caacbay

2019

Eight long years - that's how long I've stopped having formal training. That's how long I've been questioning my purpose despite moving forward with another career path. In all the things I do, there's this ballerina inside me who wants to get out from the darkness and continue pursuing her passion.

"It's really difficult to give-up that one thing which makes you truly happy especially when you know that you have what it takes to be the best in the world. :(" - I wrote that 4 years ago and it's still applicable up to this day.

Am I giving up on my ballet dreams?

With the rise of social media, it's so easy to curate and present the best possible version of our lives to share with the rest of the world. We get to choose exactly what we post, such as the highlights of our lives, leaving the struggles, hardships, and the boring bits hidden. With just a click away, you get to reach out to thousands and thousands of people.

However though, the downside of all this online social interaction is, for the most part, we only get to see the happy and exciting happenings that go on in other people's lives and we tend to compare our own lives to those we see on social media. That is in fact, unhealthy for our mental health and for ourselves in general because we disappoint ourselves, leaving us thinking on why we only have this kind of life instead of living like hers or his.

Most of the time, I dread spending time alone. Like, if I can tag along someone with me, I'd do it. I'd rather drag someone than spend time alone. But then, there are times that I just want to avoid people and I don't want to interact with people. That's just who I am because I'm an ambivert. I'm just complicated.

But I'm not scared of doing things alone. It's just that, I'm not that independent. It's like, my bravery is always boosted up when someone I know is beside me. I'm turning 25 in 2 years and I want to make things a little interesting to make myself a little better so I want to try new things.

Dear 16 year old college freshman Rae,

Congrats! You're now a college freshman but good luck because you sacrificed your passion and yes my dear, up until now you're still not yet back in ballet. I'm not frightening you or whatsoever but allow me first to tell you this.

Watch Me
10" x 7.5" Mixed Media on Watercolor Paper
by Rae Abigael J. Caacbay

Just let them say whatever it is they wanna say against you. Take it all in and absorb it. But don't let those words eat you up. Don't allow them to be your label as you grow up. Just keep them and make them a motivational tool to make you push forward and just do whatever it is that you wanna pursue. Keep those hurtful words with you and wear it like a crown.

Here's my self portrait when I was facing my quarter life crisis by the end of 2016


If you feel extremely doubtful about how your life is going, and you feel lost, anxious, confused, terrified, panicky, and very hopeless, then welcome to the Quarter Life Crisis Club! Don't worry, you are not alone in this.

"Ayoko na pero di pwede."

Pen on paper.  | Oct.10,2016

Art by Rae Abigael J. Caacbay

Ayoko na talaga. Pero hindi pwede eh. I posted this doodle on instagram and on facebook a few days ago and quite frankly, people closest to me (mom, dad, brothers, friends) reacted. They knew that it's more than just a doodle. And they are right.

And I never really intend on turning this into a blog post because I thought this would be too much to handle and if we categorize these thoughts and feelings, they would, more or less, fall into the downer side -- a failure should i say.

But then again, I just want to share inspiring stories here on my blog and come to think of it, I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one struggling in life. I'm still finding myself and I want to show the world that I'm not just here to share my glitters, sparkles, and sugary-flavored life. Because I also want to let the world know how it's so difficult to chase after your dreams and 'giving up' is never an option.

"i am insecure and somehow, i..."

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I've always been seen as this "confident young lady who knows what she's doing and who already knows what she wants to do with her life. Someone who's so confident about everything she does. Someone who accepts herself. Someone who doesn't care about what other people say".

Apparently, I'm not what I appear to be. Or so do I say.

Well, you see, I've never really talked about my insecurities. I believe my diary, other than myself, is the only one that knew about everything I felt. I bet my family, friends, and loved ones hardly had any ideas.

Prepare for a serious blog entry. This is real talk.