My Ballet Manila Audition: On Life Realizations

"I suppose I’ve reached a level of indifference because I detach my whole being to the many associations of the word. I am simply a person who likes what she likes and goes after them at any given time."

It took me 5 months to finally sit down and write about my realizations after auditioning for Ballet Manila. I certainly got pre-occupied with my first ever design project, my very last school semester, and graduation! So I guess those things took me away from the keyboard to babble out and really document my thoughts. But even so, I was able to realize what's next for me after that audition.

I keep on saying "I auditioned even if I know I'm not yet ready because I lack formal training, that I've set my mind from the very start that I'm never gonna make the cut, that it's not yet for me, that I'm confused with what to pursue --- ballet or interior design". But am I just making excuses to hide from the shameful fact that ballet isn't really for me? That I'm just making excuses to comfort my sad, sad self with what happened? Because at the back of my brain, there's this voice saying, "go for it! it's your dream; make it happen". And deep down, in the unprecedented part of my heart, i was hoping that I'll get the part. That I'll be able to dance ballet again after 5 friggin' long years and live my life-long dream.

AM I TERRIFIED WITH WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO MY LIFE? DID I KILL MY BALLET DREAM?

After the audition, my feelings were seriously neutral. I thought I was going to cry because I got cut off. And I thought that I was just faking my smiles and laughter to hide the pain. But no. I think my reaction that day was real. It was a bit painful, yes, but I know that God has better plans for me. I got rejected on my first try in the "real" ballet world, so what? In Center Stage 2 (my favorite movie), Tommy told Kate that it's "rejection after rejection after rejection". So why quit right?

Hell no, I'm not a quitter and I'll fight for my dreams! One dream at a time. If God doesn't want me to be a professional ballerina, (I'm sorry Lord) I will fight for this. I'll do whatever it takes to reach my ballet dreams. :">

But what I realized is that, maybe God doesn't want me to be a professional ballerina yet because perhaps He wants me to pursue my Interior Design dream first. Well, that's one dream down! I mean, I finally graduated and I got my Bachelor of Science major in Interior Design degree! yay! I'm almost there!!! Now I need to pass the licensure examination for interior designers to really fulfill my Interior Designer dream. I actually have a lot of dreams because I really want to use up all my talents but ballet is my first love, my first dream, and is always, always on top as it fills up the 90% space in my heart.

I will never kill my ballet dreams and I definitely am not giving up on it just yet after failing one audition. What I realized is that it's not yet time to get serious on ballet. Because right now, it's time for interior design and arts... i guess?

ON LIFE REALIZATIONS

My life realizations after my Ballet Manila audition... hmm..

This is deep dreamers. Having life realizations after one ballet audition is crazy and sounds like i'm over acting but this is real. As mentioned earlier, I have realized some things for my life and I wrote down a list:

1. Never give up. May it be with my ballet dreams or with my life in general. I've been in many different life situations, challenges, and trials and from them all, I learned a lot of things. Same goes for my ballet audition. And failing this audition isn't the end of the world. It's just the beginning of my dream.

2. You'll never know until you try. The important thing is I tried. I will never regret this. There will be no what ifs in the future. Just like ballet, in life, you'll never know until you try.

3. If you really, really want something, go for it. This is related to item number 2.

4. Don't wait for it to happen. Do some action! If you want something to happen with your life, do something! I gathered all my guts for the audition even if I know that I wasn't ready. In life, if we wait until we think we're ready, we'll never be ready! So if an opportunity comes knocking on your door, grab it! Take some action.

5. You have nothing to lose. ~~Only your dignity. hahahaha. kidding!~~ I was ashamed of myself during the latter part of the center exercises during my Ballet Manila audition because I was so tired and I can't properly execute the steps. But what the heck? They don't know who I am so I have nothing to lose. YOLO. :) But seriously, you'll lose nothing in trying. In fact, you're actually gaining more life experiences, making you a much better and stronger person.

On a more specific life realizations...

1. I will graduate college and get my degree first. After the audition, only 4 months left in my college life. So I've decided to graduate first.

2. I will go back to dancing ballet and finish my formal training in my old ballet school, Vella C. Damian School of Ballet (VCD). I think I'm only 2 levels short or so until I complete my training.

3. After I complete my training, I will dance for VCD's dance company. I'll try my ballet career here first.

4. I will audition again for Ballet Manila's dance company. Yes, I will audition again. I don't know when is this but I will complete my training first, then perhaps dance for my old school's dance company, and then Ballet Manila. Hopefully.

5. I will also audition for Ballet Philippines' dance company. Because why not?

6. But first, I will bring back my flexibility! 4-5 years of no ballet stretching due to school works (plates, plates, plates!), I lost my flexibility. My bones and muscles are weakening and I have to regain my strength! This is a 24/7 project bring back my flexibility kind of thing.

So that's it you guys! These are my life realizations after failing my Ballet Manila audition --- my first ever ballet audition. It sucked that I fail but that's life. More greater things await me and I can't wait!