My Ballet Manila audition: what was i thinking?

So I really did audition for Ballet Manila yesterday.
It was a yolo move for a ballerina who never had any formal ballet training for almost five years now.
But yes, I took the liberty to audition so no regrets on this one.

Of course I did not make the cut. From the very start I knew that I will never make it. But then again, you'll never know until you try. And like what I said in this post, "if there's a will there's a way". Weirdly enough, when it comes to my ballet dreams, I'm very sensitive and I'm such a drama queen. However, not making the cut in this audition somehow did not make me sad. I did not cry. I thought I would but I didn't. I did realize a few things after this audition and I will work on a separate blog post on it because I still want to realize stuff. Anyhow, a few days before yesterday, I jokingly told my mom to come with me to the audition so I have her when I find out that I'm out and I'll cry on her shoulders. hahaha. But I was serious on my mom coming with me to the audition. Unfortunately, she can't come with me. I'm really grateful to my friend Jen who came with me and supported me on this crazy ride. Also, I am very thankful to all my friends and to those who commented here who pushed me to audition even if on my part it was such an impossible and crazy move.

I must say, this audition is priceless. Nothing beats experience!!! I saw Ms. Lisa Macuja-Elizalde and I got the "Russian Experience". :">

DISCLAIMER: This entire blog entry is in reference to my Ballet Manila audition. All words and thoughts that might be deemed offensive or inappropriate may have been directly lifted from a ballerina (me) who's auditioning for a ballet contract for the first time ever in her life without ballet training for almost 5 years straight. Words and thoughts stated here are directly going on in my head as I audition. I do not wish to offend nor harm anyone. Please do not take everything I say here too seriously.

In an attempt to document this ballet journey of mine, I want to preserve my thoughts before the audition, while auditioning, and after the audition. Hence, here are my crazy thoughts that ran through my head the entire duration of the audition phase. 

1. "Don't be afraid to take chances... Dance more dances!"

2. But it's been 5 long years since I had my formal ballet training! I don't have a chance. I'm sure everyone will be so much better especially because they've been training continuously. I already stopped. My body is not that flexible anymore. I'm already pursuing my interior design career. But I really want to be a professional ballet dancer. If given a chance, I'll dance ballet all my life. Oh hey, earth to me. Here's that chance.

3. But it's 5 long years! My body is no longer capable of doing ballet like before.

4. Okay, that's it. I'll just do it. Here's that opportunity I've been waiting for. I'll just do my best and go YOLO.

5. Okay, I'm cutting my visual merchandise class for this audition I will fail. Oh my gosh, thank you very much to my friend Jen for cutting class to come and support me in my audition.

6. OMG. I'm really nervous.

7. OMG. I'm seeing Aliw Theater. OMG. this is it. OMG.

8. I'm really nervous.

9. OMG. These girls look so... ballerinas. Do I even look intimidating enough for them like they are to me?

10. My leotard is so bright and blue. Why are they all wearing black leotards? Is that required? Am I wearing the right leo?

11. Registration time... Okay here I go... Oh my gosh, Number of years of my ballet training?! Oh goodness. I stopped in the year 2010. Will this affect my audition? Oh my gosh. Number of years of my pointe training? Seriously? OMG. I forgot. wait. I'll compute. Oh gosh. Just 4 years of formal pointe training...What?! Contemporary training?! I don't have any of that. I'll just leave it blank... Info of my current ballet school?! Oh no. I'll just leave it blank. I'm no longer ballet schooling so I'll just leave it blank.

12. Wait. I don't want to be number 1. I'll just wait for other people to pass their forms and resumes before I pass mine and get my number.

13. Ooooh I want to be 7! It's my lucky number. Oh man, I'm number 8. Okay that's not bad. It's just a number.

14. I'm really nervous.

15. few minutes before audition time... at the dressing room... warming up and stretching. OMG. WHY ARE THESE GIRLS ALL SO FLEXIBLE?!!! I am no match to them. WOW. THAT GIRL'S SPLIT IS CRAZY! I can't even do a split now. I can't place my front leg on top of that chair in a split position! you're one crazy ballerina!!! I wish I could do that. WOW. THAT GIRL IS SO PRETTY AND SHE'S SO FLEXIBLE AND SHE'S SO PERFECT FOR THE JOB. WOW! SHE'S JUST PERFECT!.. Her canvass ballet flats are so worn out and it has a hole. She must be training so hard... Let me just grab my phone and pretend to text/read messages because I can no longer stretch and they are all so flexible!

16. OH MY GOSH. OMG. Ms. Lisa Macuja-Elizalde is there!! She looks so classy and elegant!

17. Oh goodness! Why is my position right in front of her? She'll see so much of me.

18. RUSSIAN?! The ballet teacher/instructor is a Russian!

19. Weee. I'm dancing ballet again. This is so fun! And my ballet teacher is Russian.

20. So cool, we have a pianist in the room. I'm dancing with a live piano music! So cool. Definitely ballet.

21. OH GOSH. Why is she (the Russian ballet teacher) so fast in teaching the steps. SO FAST! I can't understand her accent. I'm not sure if I forgot the ballet steps or I just can't understand her accent.

22. OH MY GOSH. MY SWEAT CAN NOT BE COMPROMISED. It's all over me, it's on my eyes I need water. Don't we have rest time/ break time? I. need. water.

23. WATEEERRR. Never been so refreshed my whole life.

24. Goodness gosh! Pointe shoes time. Good luck to me. Help me survive dear Lord.

25. I can no longer understand the steps. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm so screwed up.

26. Is it 3:15pm already? I wanna go home. I want my mommy. I quit!

27. My gosh. what is it this time that she wants us to do?

28. So many jumps. My poor toes.

29. So many turns. Don't fall off. SPOT! SPOT! SPOT! okay, it's too late. you no longer spot by the end of the turns it's too late now. I'm too dizzy. My vision is swirling. Pretend you're okay. Just pretend.

30. Good luck on the left side. "No left". OMG! THANK YOU LORD! NO LEFT!

31. What now? I really am so screwed up already. So many mistakes!! I can no longer be accepted.

32. I can no longer lift my leg up. I am so tired. But I am not giving up.

33. What in the world did I put myself into?

34. Okay, now they are asking us to line up horizontally. Here we go. the results. My number wasn't called to step in front. That's it, I'm pretty sure everyone who's with me at the back of the line are not accepted too.

35. We were called by Lisa Macuja-Elizalde... those who didn't make it.... Wow she's so pretty up close! She looks like a doll! She's so lovely! Oh my goodness I'm talking to my idol. She's so nice!

36. I want to take up the Summer Intensive but it's a conflict in my class schedule. I'll be graduating on May and how can I take the summer if I have school?! :( Also, I want to take classes with Ballet Manila but that's kind of the problem. I don't have the money to enroll in their classes even if I badly want to.

37. I can no longer give up my Interior Design career for Ballet. And I can't give up ballet for Interior Design. I'm about to graduate and get my degree and I'll be needing more ballet training. I don't know what to do with my life anymore.

38. OH MY GOODNESS! WHY DID I REALIZE THIS JUST NOW?!!! Russian method nga pala gamit ni Lisa Macuja! (Lisa Macuja uses Russian Method!). I totally forgot! No wonder it was difficult for me. I grew up with the Australian method!

39. Why am I not sad about the results? Or am I just concealing it? I did my best but my best wasn't good enough. I'll probably just go back to VCD and finish my ballet studies after college graduation. Then I'll try again.

40. I heard Ballet Philippines will hold another audition on March. If what I heard was right, I'll try Ballet Philippines. Hopefully, there will be no more Russian teacher. I can't do it if they use the Russian Method. I better research.

41. And I must stretch and do ballet exercises here at home

42. I'll never give up. "Center Stage 2".

43. It's rejection after rejection after rejection. That's life. That's ballet. JUST NEVER GIVE UP. :) In time, I'll reach all my dreams. I just have to work harder than any other dancers because I'm about to get my degree!

So that was it. Technically I have a lot of thinking to do, on what I should do with my life starting from here. Basically, liking a lot of things is tough especially if you don't want to give them up for the benefit of one.

My friend Jen, and I spent some time at CCP Complex before going home. I even took a lot of photos. I never realized how wonderful the scenery at CCP was. It was as if you're not in the Philippines. I danced at CCP a couple of times before so I had a little bit of reminiscing moment. Ballet Philippines reside here at CCP and hey, I'll also audition to them if ever. hehe. 

I forgot to mention that I was amazed with Aliw Theater. The dressing rooms were located at the top/ 2nd floor which was unlike the usual theater designs. Anyway, this is the first of my ballet manila audition series post. I really am documenting this to the fullest. hehe.

I am in a ballet body pain right now which I know is coming since yesterday. It's painful, yes, but I do love this kind of pain. :">

P.S. I was supposed to write this entry last night but I was too tired. Again, I do not mean to offend anyone with this entry. See disclaimer. I am just letting my thoughts flow. Thoughts of a ballerina who went to her first ever ballet audition without any formal ballet training for 5 years straight yet still chose to do it anyway. Thanks! 'Til the next entry! God bless. :3

Part 2- My Ballet Manila Audition: A photo diary
Part 3- My Ballet Manila Audition: On Life Realizations

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  1. Good luck! Hope everything goes well for you Rae. :)
    My ballet recital this year is Don Quixote. exciting!!


    1. In terms of the visible result of this audition, NO. hahaha. But in terms of a great and priceless experience, YES. Everything went well and it boosted me up in chasing after my dreams! Thanks Sammie and good luck with Don Quixote :)))

  2. Rae, I am so happy you tried, even if you didn't succeed, you tried and that is what is important... keep trying though, I think you have such a love for ballet, the right person will see that shining through and give you a chance to do what you love xox

  3. Definitely a great experience, wish you the best always.

  4. this is supper great!
    good luck dear, wish you the best!:)

  5. Congratulations on summoning the courage to live a part of your dreams. I'm sure you looked amazing at your Ballet Manilla Audition. One must try in order to succeed, and the way I see it even making the attempt is a big success in itself. I love how you related what you were thinking the whole way through. Even though you didn't make the cut on this occasion you did live a part of your dream, see the Aliw Theatre, make some new fond memories and hold on to your dreams. I think you're probably a perfectionist, and I'm sure your audition looked impressive. I know you're still The Ballerina on Fire. :)

  6. get well soon! and good luck for your Ballet Philippines <3 Hope the best for you! :)

  7. I love how you're pursuing your love for ballet despite the odds. You never know right?
    Wish you luck! Added this blog to my blogroll (at my right sidebar) :)


  8. Oh! I love it!
    new post:

  9. Great post!